Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I checked into jail on foursquare
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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