apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
