i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
