A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
