I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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