your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
