Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
