This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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