You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
