I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
