So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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