Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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