shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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