Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
