I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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