It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
