She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
