My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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