At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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