jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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