someone threw a dead crab at me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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