I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
