Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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