I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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