If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
