Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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