someone get that fucking seahorse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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