somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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