when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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