walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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