It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
as a side note pls kill me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
