There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
