nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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