And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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