I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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