Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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