Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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