I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
