Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
