The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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