I just saw a hot homeless man
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
