Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
