i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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