He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
