guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish you could order shots online.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
