Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Randomize
