just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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