Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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