They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
