She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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